Learning to say " I AM ENOUGH"

I couldn't recall a time that I was slim.  All my life, I grew up thinking and seeing myself as fat. Nowadays I call myself curvaceous and voluptuous in all the right places that my husband adores. Still there are days when I struggle, when I look in the mirror and tell myself, if only I were slim, if only I were so many kilos lighter, if only I can wear sizes that are not double digits...if only, if only, if only. My struggles also carry forward to conversations with my partner starting with lines like "do you still find me attractive?" and the need to be reaffirmed that no matter what the weighing scale says has nothing to do with how he sees me and feels for me. I also struggle to keep these thoughts away from my mouth. Thoughts that shouldn't be blurted within ear shot of the kids for I know how it can affect them. I know full well how damaging it would be for them to hear words of self-doubts when I (we, including their father) cheer them on every single step of their way.

Reading this piece by Kasey Edwards entitled "When Your Mother Says She's Fat" reminded me of that resolve to love myself to every bit, every line and every curve. Quoting one of my favorite lines from the article  "Just like you, I have spent my whole life feeling fat. When did fat become a feeling anyway?" No, really when???


Listening to the everyday declarations of love and adoration that my children give to me, I feel so blessed that they can see me even further than I can see and appreciate myself. So starting this day I resolve to leave all my bodily insecurities behind. Starting this day, I resolve to say I AM ENOUGH and be more gentle, be more kind and be more appreciative of my beauty and my body. Am I so glad to find inspirations from writers like Kasey Edwards who can put to words things I need to remember. What I find extremely helpful too is finding Amanda's blog  Kind over matter and to get inspirational freebies like her Lovenotes to Myself which is just a perfect reminder and a booster for days when I slip and struggle. I can't say there won't be any more struggles on feeling less about myself because of how I look. But I am hoping that by loving myself more those slip ups will be few and far between.

Click on the photo to download the pdf file.

Why Mother's Day is Difficult

Written May 14, 2013
8:30 am

 

 My mom in her wedding dress

Why mother's day is difficult... I lost my mother to breast cancer, she was just 49. Every year that we celebrate Mother's day, I take some moment of my morning to grieve and be grateful. Grieve for the many days and years that my mom will never physically see her lovely grandchildren, grieve for all the rite of passages that our lives (my brother and mine) are going through and that we would like to share with her, grieve for not having the chance to greet her and pamper her during Mother's day in ways that I can provide for her now, in ways that she so deserve. Last Sunday, my daughter saw me weeping, minutes after I was presented with breakfast in bed and hearts made by her and her brother. She came to me with her distraught in her eyes and asked what was the matter. I told her how I , too, would like to greet my mom. She hugged me and with her 6 year old wisdom told me that "I only have to dream and I would see her." Yes, Mother's day will always be bittersweet but with all that I have now, I owe it with whole gratitude to my mother and my grandma for they have and always will be my women of strength and my inspiration.

My mantra

man·tra  

/ˈmantrə/

Noun

1. (originally in Hinduism and Buddhism) A word or sound repeated to aid concentration in meditation.
2. A statement that is frequently repeated; a characteristic formula or refrain. 

My mantra has always been a beacon of light that guides my actions. I am not deeply religious but I do take the time to be reflective not just as a parent but also as an individual. I can remember that during some tough moments of my life the mantra I used is "This too shall pass" and true enough they did. A very dear friend of mine, while consoling me after what I thought to be a tremendous loss, said that the sun will always shine no matter what. At that point, teary-eyed and all I held on to those words and the repeated "this too shall pass".

Fast forward more than a decade after, I still have my mantra. But the wonderful serendipitous events that occurred after those dark days were replaced by memories that cannot be fully captured by pictures or transcribed to pen. More than a decade after I started "Following thy bliss" and yes, true enough life is a bliss. Waking up wrapped in my husband's embrace, listening to the giggles coming through the next door, looking at the vast sky from our bedroom window, truly grateful that I resolved to find my passions and traverse the path to this blessed life, this space in the world and amongst the lovely people that I meet personally or virtually, day in and day out.

As I reflect now of how my mantra leads me, I am reminded of Gandhi's words:

“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
   Your thoughts become your words,
 Your words become your actions,
 Your actions become your habits,

Your habits become your values,
   Your values become your destiny.”

Perhaps now is the time to add another mantra, one that can go beyond me and my family. Seeing the Mantrabands I fell in love instantly with the mantras. But what appealed to me the most is "Be the change".

I can't wait to get my hands on this lovely reminder. Aysel I will be counting the days :)

So what is your mantra?

 

Wonderfully made...

Yesterday we had our first Parents-child conference. Yes you read it right, not a PTC (Parent-Teacher Conference) but a Parents-child Conference. I guess this has been something that is due in our family. We normally have conversations during dinner time but this one was more formal. Not intimidatingly formal since the kids had a blast waiting for their turn and looking forward to their "talk".

It was the right time and the right topic too. We have just received the children's school report and we decided to sit down with them regarding what the teacher told us. For Milos we were not so concerned since the remarks were favorably good. Katie, on the other hand, had some surprising feedback from her teacher which we felt needed to be talked about immediately. The process was simple, we sat, gave her information on what the teacher said, asked her what she thinks or could remember and then asked again what can be done about it. I was surprised how "fluid"the conversations were. In my mind the thought of doing parent-child conferences is a bit daunting but after doing one with Katie and Milos last night, I feel like we've struck gold. It was the feeling after the talks that got me thinking, " doing conferences is yes a truly an investment of time but it is well worth it."

Why do I say that? Talking to Katie about her struggles made me realize that we were remiss in reminding her some things. Hearing from her the lines "ik durf het niet" made my heart melt. Our precious little one is struggling at a level that some might say petty, but these are her struggles. These are her fears and anxieties that came to light because we took the time to sit down and ask her while making her feel that she can talk to us about it. Yes, she is just 5 turning 6 and that her concerns of things being difficult might, for an outsider, be something that is fleeting. But I see it as a wake up call that I need to still remind her that things, specially new ones, can seem daunting. I even told her too what one of my most daunting experiences. Katie was wide-eyed as she listened how scared and unsure I felt when I first met her father after chatting with him for more than 3 years! She listened and I narrated. Her father gave his version too and in the end, she realized that she can feel unsure and that is normal. What got through to me though, much like a stab in the face, was how our precious daughter's eyes showed different emotions. Seeing the uncertainty in her eyes, I saw how that is reflected in mine when I do things. How I wish she is not so much like me but she is. She doesn't just run straight to the water, she wades through it, testing, and asking for confirmation and affirmation.

Ohhh and how her eyes glowed when we told her she is wonderful. Wonderfully made from fine stuff from her mommy and daddy! She literally basked in the praises and it hit me, yes we probably keep on forgetting to tell you and your brother that. So now let me write it to you so that when you grow up and can read this blog you will know how we see you (and Milos)

18:47
07-02-2013

Dearest Katie,

Your eyes lit up when we told you "You are Wonderful!" and from that glow in your face I was reminded we have been remiss in telling you this fact. You are born from strong parents whose circumstances in lives are different yet have connected. You are made from loving hearts and wonderful intentions. The entire process from your conception to your birth was a wondrous experience not just for me but also for your father. Each day that we see you grow, we see the beauty and wonder that life with you brings. You made us want to be better persons because we wanted to be better parents. Having you (and you brother) have ignited that wonder in us.

But perhaps we also need to remind ourselves how wonderful we are. For you and your brother are beauty and wonder coming from the beauty and wonder of us, your parents. Thank you for reminding us this and thank you for each day that we get to learn from each other.Your beauty is our beauty and your wonder is our wonder. But it is far more! As you go through in life believing in yourself and the many wondrous things you can do then you enrich the beauty and wonder that is in you. You just have to start from what is within and what is within you is wonderful.

 Love,
 Mama