Dear Katie and Milos,
The past few months mommy have been trying to adjust to being back at home and not working. Although it took a bit of soul searching and with some nights going to bed till the tears run dry, I would just like for you to know that the struggle of being a stay home mom was not because of not wanting to be with you. The struggle was finally letting go of the plans I made before you both (three together with your father) came along in my life. You see I thought I had my life planned, the way you guys are now planning your every birthdays. I recall how much I wanted to be someone, do great things, travel to different places and that was how I envisioned my life to be. Naturally I wanted to have a family- a loving husband and lovely, witty children. But how to juggle everything was not something that I was fully prepared for.
The one year that I worked after having you two was one exciting time for me. I felt I was finally going back to what I know I can do best. I felt I was in my element. In some ways I was; finally I was doing something I was trained for, one that I have been doing for years. The months that I was working I thought I had it under control. I knew I was working too much and have a lot of times opted for fast foods instead of home cooked meals. We ended up taking groceries as our family events since I had some things that I needed to do on weekends. It took a jolt to the relationship of your father and I for me to realize how things are not under my control. Hence, I knew I had to make the changes needed. At the end of the day, the decision was easy. I finally realized that work is just that, work. You three on the other hand are my world.
Yesterday while finishing the last pieces of the work space we (well mostly I but your father cheered on merrily) made for the two of you, I felt a deep sense of fullfillment. Creating places for you guys to grow and learn is what I was trained to do, what I have studied for. All the homeschool activities we do and how much you take pleasure in them gives me such pride in what I can give for you. It dawned on me that I am SOMEONE- I am your mother who cares and loves you very much. I am DOING GREAT THINGS- the many different ways that your eyes and mind are opened up to the world because of what me and your father can provide in the hopes that you can grow up believing in your unlimited possibilities are great endeavors. So great and far reaching that it will affect not just our lives but the lives of your children and the generations after. I also realized that I am traveling places- going further than what I have envisioned. With you guys I am learning about great art works, learning new things, exploring the world in small places but highly relevant ones since it has meaning to what we are trying to learn about at home.
As we place the last finishing touches of your activity area and lounge, I know that I am in my element and as you sit, tinker and ponder in the corners of the house that are specially made for you two, I hope that you are also in yours.
Mahal na mahal ko kayo Katie and Milos and of course your Tata Boris. Looking forward to the years and Valentines to come.
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